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Before I get into this, one opening comment: if you can't understand what I've written, don't tell me.
lbs. 5th generation Regular Army Ranger, resigned my commission after 4 years...long, ,long ago....in a galaxy far, far away. Classic investment banker with all the trophies...first wife was Miss.Tennessee, 2nd the daughter of the Chairman of British-American Tobacco...for most of my life, I couldn't sustain a relationship with a goat, let alone another human.
I WAS (get it? past tense.) the prototypical narcissist; whoever you were...child, lover, employee, waiter, 'friend,' cab driver...your only existence was filtered through my own, largely imagined, ego needs of the moment...I was the tornado ripping through other people's lives. To know me, was to be diminished by the experience.
I'm sober in AA for 25 years now. I've run a large, world-class fully retained Search firm...done a number of IT start-ups for a major strategy consulting firm before the Silicon Valley bubble blew up. Decided to become a 'trainer' because I've always been into the world of ultra-endurance sports and went back to school to get an M.S. in Exercise Physiology Nutrition. Mostly a very wealthy, high-profile client base, that I blew off 2 years ago to travel. In Central Oregon now but will be in San Francisco, permanently, about August 12th, perhaps earlier.
.
There have been a million women....I refined, to a high art, the process of rejecting the ones that had substance, that could have provided a real partnership, and took instead, the assorted feebs who were all passive-aggressive and choose to live vicariously through me.
The creature that crawled into AA 25 years ago no longer exists. I'm not St. Francis but the ONLY belief I have is that if our pathetic species needs to justify it's existence with a raison d'etre...clearly it must because to acknowledge that nihilism is the only intellectually defensible philosophy...it simply doesn't work as a lifestyle...enter humanist existentialism as it's earthly surrogate...it must be to do what we can, what we must, for pain that is put in front of us.
At this stage of my life, what I want most is that partner. A 'real' relationship for me...I've been an outlaw my whole life....is both banal and magnificent. You ask how I will recognize 'her.' There is no answer to that; you say please and thank you a lot and hope. Without a willingness to risk self, there is no possibility of a full life.
I'm close and I'm listening.
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